Article by Wendy McCance

I have an intense fear of relationships.  Let’s just put it out there in black and white.  I have always been best at superficial connections.  I have an abundance of good acquaintances  but few close family connections.  I do have a handful of close friends, but my version of a close friends is probably much different from most.

I’m sure my statement sounds ridiculous since I have children and I’m married.  Somehow, I am extremely close to them. It’s the healthiest and most normal relationship I have.

When I was a kid, my dad was a travelling salesman.  I would see him a few weekends a month and we were never really close.  In fact, growing up, I felt fairly isolated from him.  My mom was around and I had a younger sister too, but, those were complicated relationships and we were never very close..

We traveled a lot when I was a kid.  I had lived in four states by second grade.  I loved to travel and felt that I was lucky to have friends all over the United States.  The problem was, I was good at making friends, but didn’t know how to keep them.  We moved so often I never seemed to get past that honeymoon phase with the kids I became friendly with.

By the end of my elementary school years, we stopped moving around.  Staying in one spot truly tested friendships as I didn’t know how to hold on to them for long periods of time.  I would get bored easily and I also didn’t know how to put in the extra effort to keep up those relationships that were special to me.

My poor skills followed me into the relationships I had with boys.  I was always told that I seemed mysterious.  Guys would ask me to open up and share my feelings.  I had no idea how to do that.  I protected my feelings fiercely as they had let me down many times when I tried to express myself at home.

I became that kid who had a lot of friends that know one really knew at all.  I was very guarded and felt that I couldn’t trust anyone but myself.  I grew up feeling that the only person I could depend on was me.

I rarely grew bored on my own and many times preferred to spend time by myself.  I enjoyed my own company best and never felt the pressure to entertain.  Books, art, music, swimming and biking were the things I loved most.  The best part was that I didn’t need others around so that I could participate in the activities I loved most.

Years passed and I became involved with a guy who had a big family.  It was the family that attracted me.  I felt welcomed into the fold and suddenly I had the family I had always wished for.  I also was around a lot of small children.  It was then that I realized that I wanted kids of my own.  Three children later, and it is the best decision I ever made.  It’s amazing to be close to your own kids.  I am grateful for having them.  Unfortunately, their dad was not a good match for me and we divorced.

By the time I remarried, I had learned a lot and was in a much better place.  I chose someone who was a much better fit.  Thankfully, I paid attention to what I did and didn’t want in a future relationship.  My family life finally feels loving, healthy and what I had always wished for.

I still struggle with friendships.  Although I have friends I consider close, I don’t know any friends birthdays or other big events in their lives.  To be fair, they don’t know mine either, but I don’t put it out there.  I do poorly at reading the cues of a friend that needs some extra attention.  I am not the best at reaching out and making plans.  I am great in person and my friends mean the world to me, but I just have poor skills when it comes to keeping the ties tight.

I have realized I have an intolerance of uncertainty in relationships.  I have grown up with triggers that make me want to put up a wall and run.  It has always been most prevalent in my romantic relationships.  It took years to figure out that I was essentially pushing a guy away when I was triggered by a fear or worry from my past.  Many relationships went poorly because I wasn’t able to connect that I was making poor choices in who I chose to date and what I was willing to open up about.  I finally realized that two damaged people do not make one strong whole person.

I still deal with many triggers and I still have times when I want to run.  The difference now is that I am aware of what I am doing and how a situation happened.  I can thoughtfully analyze what’s going on without making quick decisions that are just disastrous choices.

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Wendy McCance

Wendy McCance is a Michigan based freelance writer and social media consultant. Wendy has gained attention as the founder of the popular blog Searching for the Happiness which can be viewed in 9 local papers online, including the Oakland Press. The combination of writing skills and social media knowledge is what makes Wendy such a powerhouse to work with. Stay tuned for opportunities to advertise, guest post and as always, have your questions answered.

To contact Wendy McCance about a writing or social media assignment, interview or speaking engagement, please email her at: [email protected]

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